What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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