Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You took a bar mat shot.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
