Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
