I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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