I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
