The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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