You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
