Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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