Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
