I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
