You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
