I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize