a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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