so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
