hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
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You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
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Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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