Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!