bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
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I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
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Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.