I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
