my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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