My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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