I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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