if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
3 2 1 whiskey
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
