Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
