Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
