I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
