Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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