we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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