John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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