For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
