You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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