my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
