I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
