So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
