last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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