So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
