I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
