Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
