he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
