When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
