I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
