Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
