i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
