just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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