Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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