dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
