Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
