Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
