I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
