I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
