All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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