I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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