can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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