I am puke
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
