i think my tv is drunk
i think my mom watched the whole time
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
