pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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