I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
