Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
