i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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