Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
